Johnny! They shot Johnny! But who? And why? Everything’s coming to a head for the Dragon Friends as they do their best under increasingly trying conditions.

This episode edited by our good mate Gotifoo and featuring music by DJ Tom Loud. Our special guests are Carlo Ritchie and Sam Campbell.


Mr Terminal has just fired a gun into Johnny Playstation's cryocell, mortally wounding him. Freezo attempts to sneak over to pick up DJ Satoshi Nakamoto's Thor hammer, but is noticed by Mr Terminal who blows up Satoshi's head. He reveals that he has a remote control to overload any of the Zhivago Twelve's neural links on demand, and remotely kills Haggis. Philge expresses relief that Reville Rongbottom is still alive, and Mr Terminal kills him too.

Philge then claims to know Terminal's secretary, Tracy, who had the remote made for him; and claims that she has booby-trapped it so that the next button he presses will kill him. Mr Terminal accepts that this sounds like Tracy, and hands Philge the remote, which she hides from Freezo; while he is distracted, Baston kicks the gun out of Terminal's hand. Freezo grabs the Thor hammer, but Mr Terminal reveals he has a second gun and shoots Baston, damaging his Stoot and disorienting him.

Philge threatens to push a button on the remote, but Mr Terminal calls her bluff, and Philge throws the remote to the ground and stamps on it, unknowingly killing Hermione the Ranger Danger. Philge brags to Sirius-6 that she has disarmed the remote, and is told that actually she just killed another of his friends. After a long series of missed attacks, Bobby shoots Mr Terminal with the gun he dropped, disorienting him in the same way as Baston. Freezo jumps on Mr Terminal and garrottes him with a Yo-Yo string, kissing him in the ear at the same time "to make it awkward", but Mr Terminal shoots him over his shoulder, seriously wounding him; Freezo collapses and starts to die. Mr Terminal goes to pick up his remote and is hit in the "nards" by Bobby's Cobra shock baton, whereupon Baston uses his Action Surge to launch a frenzied attack on Mr Terminal with his sword, cutting him to bits - and revealing him to be a peripheral.

Philge attempts to hack the dead peripheral to find who was controlling it, and traces the connection to the Voss-Saito villa and finds that he is an engineered peripheral - not based on any real person. She also remembers that Freezo has been left dying. Bobby suggests there may be medical equipment in the Villa, and Johnny Playstation's cryocell speaker activates, suggesting that they could remove him from the cryocell to put Freezo in. Philge suggests that they could put a gun in Freezo's hand and use it to kill someone so he would gain temporary hit points, but the only person left is Mail Chimp, who reveals she has a medical implant in her opposite breast with which she suckles Freezo to bring him back to consciousness. The Friends rush through the fast-emptying Voss-Saito compound to the central villa. Kicking in the door, Philge finds that Lord Saito is already dead; while Bobby is looting his body, from behind them enters the twisted figure of Michael Hing (NPC) armed with a gun and a detonator.


Dragon Friends

Non-Player Characters (NPCs)



Themes, tropes and running jokes


  • "Johnny represents more to you than just the auto-tuned emotional output of a generation. He represents your triumph, your salvation. So given that, it is a pity that Mr Terminal has just shot him a number of times through the head and torso with a laser pistol."
  • "You don't want to make me call my own bluff!"
  • "I draw the named sword of Baston.. no! Sergei Eisenstein! Endurovich? Von Zarovich!"
  • "Well, Bobby, nice rolls. Let's see if you can dodge this one." (Rolls a 5) "Yea. I'd say you could. They said I should spend more time shooting and less time just coming up with quips. I wasn't for it." -- Mr Terminal
  • "Maybe you should take your gun shooting skills to the hospital, 'cos I'm afraid it's terminal!" "You lose a dice of inspiration."
  • "I get out my Keytar! What's it called?" "Your cyberdeck?"
  • "If Johnny dies, we all die. If Freezo dies, huh."
  • "WHAT THE FUCK!?" -- Michael Hing
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