The planeswalker known only as "The Archivist" is a seemingly immortal magic users of prodigious skill. He watches over The House Eternal and seems to spend most of his time reading books. His accent varies and his magics seem to range from more mundane normal spells to the depths of what can only be called sex magic.
The Archivist is also able to record and recall memories of others. He uses this in the trial of the Dragon Friends to access then memories of Philge that she herself could not recall when they were saved by Johnny Playstation and given the Heart of Glass
The Archivist is enraged when he discovers that is was Freezo who escaped many months before. Freezo was in disguise when he visited the house eternal previously however his "very normal chongus" identified himself as one and the same.
He shows them a recording of the event when Freezo stabbed himself with a knife to escape (due to his immortality allowing him to glitch out of the room)
The archivist is stunned into inaction when in a very quick succession Freezo escapes again. Bobby Pancakes murders himself. Freezo opens the door allowing Philge to carry the corpse of Bobby onto the Flying Dutchman
- Block The Seed - The caster is unable to impregnate or become impregnated (the caster is still susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases)
- Cursed Orgasm
- Liar's Curse - The caster can choose either the Penis or the nose of a target. When the target of Liar's Curse lies the chosen area becomes engorged.