Because I Hate Myself, Susan

Because I Hate Myself, Susan
Episode	4.08
Published	June 1 2018
Link	Link
Episode Order
Previous	That's Not What Pegging Is
Next	Freezo's Funhouse (Part 1)

 Description

The Engine Halls of the Saturnine are no place for a child, let alone a child as fat, and stupid, and awful as poor, poor Bonathan Knennedy. But worry not, lad! The Dragon Friends are on the case and they’re here to win your freedom… if the Bellowsmaster Cardinal doesn’t stop them first, that is. This episode features special guest Susie Youssef and sounds by Dan & Liam Scarratt.

Synopsis

The Bellows Man Cardinal, stepping through the door (and Canonically ruled to be named Cardinal Bellend, and to have two heads because of Ben Jenkins and Edan Lacey speaking at once when playing him) explains that the Shard that powers the Saturnine may have absorbed the malevolent nature of Carcosa and thus, unlike all other shards, demands souls in sacrifice, consuming their remaining years of life - and steadily grows more greedy over time. The Cardinal then announces that the Friends must die for discovering their secret, and that they will then be sacrificed to the Shard as well. The Bellows Man laugh about this, especially the idea of sacrificing Martha Kndd at the same time as her own son.

Freezo has the idea of casting Crown Of Madness on one of the heads of Cardinal Bellend and commanding it to attack the other head - causing some confusion over the use of Canon to make him two-headed - but the Cardinal resists the spell. Bobby, still in disguise as a Bellows Man, suggests that Bonathon could be winched up from the chain that is currently lowering him into the Shard's maw, in order that he and Martha could be sacrificed together. The Cardinal agrees, and Bobby steps up to remove Bonathon from the chain, then gathers up as much chain as he can and throws the hook at Cardinal Bellend, hitting him in one of the faces.

The Cardinal, angrily, calls out Bobby as a fake, and challenges him to prove he is a real Bellows Man by singing "The Song About The Nails" which new Bellows Men learn. He attempts to do this, and apparently gets it right; the Cardinal throws the chain back to Bobby who pretends to drop it. Philge runs in and attempts to hit the Cardinal with a flail, but misses. Freezo applies his Hexblade's Curse to the Cardinal and then shoots him with an amplified Witch Bolt; as he does, the Shard begins to emit a strange wailing noise. The Cardinal calls out that everyone will be doomed if the shard is not fed. Martha attempts to swing into the Cardinal on the chain that was holding up Bonathan, but misses the Cardinal and falls on the floor.

One of the mech-piloting Bellows Men picks up Bonathan and Martha and prepares to directly shove them into the Shard. Philge steps in front of him, offering to sacrifice herself to the shard in Bonathan and Martha's place. Hagdar Strenmf offers to do the same, but the Cardinal says that they are too old to provide enough fuel at this point, unless all four or five of them were fed to the shard. Freezo cries, "Or how about two?", then runs towards the Cardinal's back and attempts to use Grasp Of Hadar to push the Cardinal 10ft - and rolls a critical, knocking the Cardinal into the Shard's maw, killing him instantly and satiating the Shard's hunger.

Bobby runs down to kneel (in disguise) before Freezo, proclaiming him the new Cardinal, and the two remaining Bellows Men bow before him. After some discussion, he orders them to massage Martha while in the mech suits. Hagdar realises he has solved the mystery, and Bobby suggests turning in Lady Casilda to the authorities on Primus, hopefully earning the gratitude of Tolstoy Kndd, Jeffrey Westminster's father, and other influential people. Hagdar points out that, as the Planeswalker who is connected to the Carcosa Shard, Lady Casilda will have grown stronger as a result of it having been fed.

Freezo decides to call a meeting of the remaining Bellows Men, and also raids the engine room for all the available hats he can wear to indicate his authority (he ends up with a pork pie hat topped with a propeller hat with two bread rolls stuck to it). He is immediately asked what happened to the old Cardinal, and unwisely admits that he killed the former Cardinal, when Philge intervenes to encourage the Bellows Men to rebel against the Favored - whipped up further by that news that the Favored were having orgies on the ship.

People

Dragon Friends

• Freezo
• Bobby Pancakes
• Philge

Guest PCs

• Martha Kndd
• Hagdar Strenmf

Non-Player Characters (NPCs) 

• Bonathon Kndd
• The Bellows Man Cardinal (Cardinal Bellend, aka Ding And Dong)

Bestiary

• Bellows Men (Helmy Boys, Steamy Boys)

Places

• The Saturnine
  

Quotes

• "A Level Four Angry Rich Woman. Does that mean she's soulless?"
• "And now we've got a competent Bellows Man going after the mother and daughter." "Son."
• "I think that was such an impressive gooch punch that the two mechs do bow."
• "Don't all cums kill a boner?" "I was going to say, the sentence 'doesn't all cums kill a boner' is the new 'cellar door'." (This is referring to a claim made by Tolkien, and appearing in the film Donnie Darko, that the sound of the phrase "cellar door" is among the most beautiful in the English language.)
• "Bellows Men! As you can see from the hat adorning my bodice.. Is bodice not the word for head?"