The adventures of Melodie, Millicent, Tabitha and Duran-Duran continue in our last pre-Season 5 One Shot continues, powered by Hogwarts Adventures, a one-page RPG by Litza and Thor. This episode features cello accompaniment by Ange Lavoipierre as well as special guest Will Erimya and Emma Balfour. EXTREMELY CANONICAL


A month after the previous episode, Millicent has been oddly distant from the other girls, but then suddenly contacts them again; she tells them she wants to start "Phase 2", telling them to meet her at the Grand Staircase during the Ravenclaw/Griffindor Quidditch match in about two hours. Melody idly wonders if Slytherin has a "dog fighting" ring for wizard's familiars. It's pointed out that it does have the Room Of Requirement which can become any need environment, so Melody decides to visit there and have her owl fight. A boy called Crabb is offering to fight anyone's familiar. Tabitha tries to cast Confundo on Crabb but is interrupted by a bouncer who seizes her wand, and Duran Duran decides to bet a bag of Galleons (worth $47,000) on the fight. Tabitha decides to wager with the bouncer; her Nimbus 2000 broomstick and her extendable ear, against getting her wand back. Melody goes to shake Crabb's hand and, as she does, flicks the absorbed light of Argus Filch's heart from her Deluminator into him. Crabb enjoys a moment of peace before the owl attacks his eyes, driving him to stumble backwards, leading to both Crabb and the owl being sucked into a peace of industrial machinery in the dogfighting pit and dying.

The girls head over to meet Millicent, who has been working with Draco to make a holey-walley potion. Her plan is to use it to break into the Gryffindor common room, steal things, then break into Dumbledore's office and steal the Sorting Hat and leave the Gryffindor stuff there as false evidence. After a few days, they will return the Sorting Hat claiming they have recovered it from Gryffindor, and earn house points for Slytherin for doing so.

Millicent uses the potion to create a hole in the wall leading to the Gryffindor common room. Melody decides to go and extract as much cast-off hair as possible from the Gryffindoor bathrooms as usefully plantable evidence. Tabitha goes to steal sweaters from the dormitory, and Duran Duran decides to steal as much money as she can out of students' piggy banks. Duran Duran hears someone whimpering noise under one of the beds, and casts Stupefy on them, revealing Neville Longbottom. Millicent rushes over, and they decide to take the unconscious student into Dumbledore's office as well. (Millicent also swaps out some hair that Hermione was gathering with hair from her cat's bottom.)

Heading over to the gargoyle that guards Dumbledore's office, Melody remembers that Dumbledore had a fondness for Muggle candy and tended to use the names of candy items as passwords, so they guess random ones until the door opens. Fearing the presence of traps, Tabinta sends her gecko Pasquale to steal the Sorting Hat; as the gecko begins to drag the hat, they hear a crowd approaching Dumbledore's office. Panicking, Millicent decides that they should pretend to have been kidnapped by Neville; Melody casts Petrificus Totalus on herself, turning herself to stone. Millicent casts Reducto on herself, thinking that it would make her shrink, but it instead blasts her against the wall of the office where she passes out. Tabitha holds her wand to Millicent's neck and prepares to explain the scene.

The approaching group turns out to be the Gryffindor Quiddich Team coming to see Dumbledore after their win. Duran Duran casts Rictusempra on Oliver Wood and blasts him off the staircase, attracting the attention of the whole team. Tabitha tries to defect to Gryffindor, claiming that Millicent had forced her to attempt to steal the Sorting Hat, and gives the Hat back to Fred and George. They challenge her to put on the Hat if she really believes she's a Gryffindor, but it judges her as being in Slytherin again; at that point Oliver Wood and Harry Potter also arrive, pointing out that they are the girls who mugged them previously, and the team mob them and restrain them, dragging them down to Minerva's office - who immediately lets them go, saying she is convinced they can be redeemed.

Walking rather confusedly back down the corridors, Millicent notices that the door to one of the less used girls' bathrooms is open; and Dumbledore's phoenix swoops down to grab the Sorting Hat and flies into it. Rushing into the bathroom, they notice that a serpent-shaped sink has receded into the wall revealing a tunnel. The three girls follow the Phoenix into the tunnel, where it seems to be flying towards a pair of wizards talking. Tabitha decides to cast Aquamenti on the Phoenix, assuming that it would hurt it as a water spell against a fire creature; while it does not hurt the Phoenix the sudden waterlogging of its feathers causes it to crash to the floor, whereupon Duran Duran breaks the Phoenix's neck.

"In the time that followed, much would be made of the rise of the dark lord..."


Dragon Friends

  • Michael Hing as Melody Lemonthyme, pureblood 1st year Slytherin
  • Simon Greiner as Tabitha Newsome, mudblood 1st year Slytherin
  • Will Erimya as Duran Duran Porterhouse, mudblood 1st year Slytherin

Guest PCs

  • Emma Balfour as the Harry Potter Fact Checker
  • Edan Lacey as Millicent Bulstrode, mudblood 2nd year Slytherin


  • Crabb, dogfighting pupil
  • Neville Longbottom



  • Hogwarts
  • The Forbidden Forest

Themes, tropes and running jokes


  • There's some confusion about the effect of Rictusempra. Dave says it's "the tickling curse," and Emma says "it's another dueling one." They are both right: it is used in duels, but in the books it is the tickling curse. However in the films and the games, it blasts an opponent backwards, as Emma describes.
  • As with the previous episode, this episode follows the plot of Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets. The wizards in the final scene are Tom Riddle (actually Lord Voldemort) and Harry Potter; Fawkes the Phoenix is bringing the Sword of Gryffindor and the Sorting Hat to Harry, as he does in the final confrontation of that book, enabling Harry to use them and Fawkes's help to defeat the Basilisk. As Fawkes is killed by the Dragon Friends, presumably Harry is killed by the Basilisk and Lord Voldemort successfully rises to power.


  • "But for now, enjoy your final episode of wizarding bullshit."
  • "We're going to go to the Dogfighting room at Hogwarts." "There is no room at Hogwarts that.." "Room of Requirement, baby."
  • "I think owls can read addresses and that's it." "Ok. I'm going to address this letter to Greasy Crabb's eyes."
  • "So, this is going to flick that same love into Crabb before, I imagine, his eyes are pecked out by an owl."
  • "I mean, I couldn't have cast that on myself!" "They can test your wand to see what spells have been cast from it." "But that's not my wand, you see! It's fuckin' Gryffindor's own, Harry Potter's wand!"
  • "[Emma as Moaning Myrtle] I wouldn't go in there if I were you." "Oh, and there's an irritating ghost in there as well." "I wouldn't go in there because Harry Potter went in there and I want to fuck him." "... A very thirsty ghost."

Table Talk

  • "Has anyone here read Harry Potter?" "I have, and Dave shouldn't have used the word 'Familiar'." "What should the word be?" "'Pet.'"
  • "I just.. just so we're all clear. About 1000 Galleons is about what a Nimbus 2000 costs anyway." "They've never been good at counting."
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.