The Dragon Friends make their way to the frozen wastes of the Deadlands, and Dave needs to realize at this point it's too late to teach anyone new rules. With special guest Emma Balfour.


As the Heart of Glass is on the way to Freezo's tower in the Deadlands, Freezo and Philge decide to interrogate Jeremy Scaleson. They take him to the ship's interrogation station where they decide to play "Good cop, bad cop", with Philge immediately wishing him a good journey just before Freezo puts a gun into his mouth - which Jeremy immediately bites and then snatches away with his tail. They ask him why he is there, and he replies that he's looking for Hyperion Max, and he knows that they were the last people to see him. At that point, Bobson Dugnutt announces that their Hummingbird craft is now ready. While they inspect it, LOGAN informs them that they have arrived at the tower, but that it has hailed them with a warning that its "emergency countermeasures" are active.

Freezo announces himself to the tower, and it responds by saying he "cannot be identified at this distance", and asking him for his passcode. Freezo tries Mystra, but this is wrong and activates the tower's defenses, which consists of a cloud of flying Ice Mephits - which are too weak to damage the massive Heart of Glass, but would prevent access by the Hummingbirds. They decide to have Freezo fly in in a Hummingbird in the hope that getting closer to the tower would enable it to recognize him, escorted by the Hummingbird pilots on the crew. After some confusing decisions about how many Hummingbirds to send, they eventually decide to send all of them, with the rookies leading the way. After some confusion about how to represent three-dimensional squad tactics, Dave eventually gives up and just has them roll dice to see how well they fight, and they pass through the Mephits and enter the tower's atmosphere.

Freezo accesses a terminal in the tower's hangar. This terminal identifies him by his handprint, and confirms that he wishes to "secure the perimeter"; he does so, which causes an explosive energy nova to erupt from the tower and kill all of the pilots who were still in combat with the Mephits. It also deploys a large staircase leading up into the tower. As they climb the staircase, they see that beyond the hangar the sides are decorated with artworks of Freezo, showing him single-handedly defeating Strahd von Zarovich, befrending the dragon from I Step Into The Moonlight, and taking Johnny Playstation's place as the artificial god of Freeside. Philge idly punches the pictures of Freezo in the face as she climbs, and one of them responds, revealing it is a magical painting that runs the security system as it has been imbued with Freezo's paranoia.

The painting announces that Freezo must perform a second validation. Three pneumatic tubes capture Freezo, Philge, and Jeremy, and a pit of fire opens beneath them. The painting demands that Freezo chooses the least important of the companions to kill by pressing one of three buttons. Freezo notices one of the buttons shows a halfling, Bobby Pancakes, and pushes this button on the grounds that the actual Bobby is not present, and Jeremy does not fit properly in the tube meant for Bobby and could get stuck in it. This theory does not work and Jeremy is dropped into the fire and dies.. but is apparently brought back to life and ejected from the painting, which announces Freezo has passed the test by being willing to kill a friend without even hesitating and opens the door. Jeremy, realizing what Freezo just did, punches him in the face and announces that he will kill him as soon as he is no longer useful.

Climbing the stairs to the final door, the Friends arrive in a familiar cell with a bunk and writing-desk, a recreation of Freezo's room in Mystra's temple - which Baston reveals to be an illusion by tapping the ball of quinoa on Freezo's desk. Also on the desk is a book, chained and locked to the table, and labeled "Freezo's Diary". Baston attempts to open the book with a flying kick, and with a critical success, breaks both the table and the chains holding the book. Baston tries to read the book, but discovers that it is written in code. Freezo looks at the book too, but does not remember the code - but finds that, wedged in the jacket of the last page of the book, is a letter. Freezo removes the letter, revealing a Glyph of Warding which explodes in his face, knocking Freezo to 0 hit points. Baston steps over to him to read the letter, which appears to be from Bobby Pancakes, and reads:

"Freezo. Max and I saw what happened to you at the faultline. We saw you die. We saw you come back. None of the others know what we saw, but we'll tell them if we need to. We know what you are, know what you're trying to become. We can help you, we can find a way to lift this curse - but if you don't stop this madness now, we will stop you." As Baston looks down, he sees Freezo's dying body glitch and then reappear healed and standing up in front of them.


Dragon Friends

Guest PCs

  • Baston, played by Emma Balfour (a former judge on Australia's Next Top Model, and not in fact a random member of the audience)

Non-Player Characters (NPCs) 


  • The Deadlands
  • The Heart of Glass

Themes, tropes and running jokes

  • Dave refers to this as episode 16, when it's actually episode 14.


  • "Never forget what I have done for you. I would have killed you in an instant just now were it not for the fact that you are useful to me. The moment you stop being useful to me, Jeremy Scaleson, I promise - on the heart of my love - you will die, painfully." ".... No, that seems fair."

Table Talk

  • "Do you think, on Easter Island, the heads that are there have bodies going all the way down?"
  • "Emma, I know that this is Baston, but you've been on stage for one minute. Stop trying to fuck the Dragon Friends."
  • "Suck my ass, Edan Lacey."
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