Far beyond the minds of mortal men and women, the Council on Primus deliberate and hold sway over the fate of the Nine Known Worlds. The Dragon Friends have been brought before them to answer for crimes too terrible to contemplate… if only they could actually remember doing any of them.
Featuring special guest (and Good Boy) Tom Walker!
The remaining Dragon Friends awaken to find that Jayne Steyer has taken control of the Saturnine after the explosion of the Carcosa Shard, and has imprisoned the Dragon Friends in the ship's rec room (since it didn't have a brig). He informs them that they are to be taken to Primus for trial for crimes against the Nine Worlds, including the theft of the Lance, the murder of Hyperion Max, and travel beyond the Cradle. He also mentions that prior to this, the Friends had spent time working with Hyperion Max and the Council, which comes as a surprise to them.
The Friends are placed in shackes by two Giffs (Hippo men) and taken to the courtroom, where they stand before a council of seven Planeswalkers including Lady Casilda, Titania, Morgana, and Caliphan. Most are unimpressed by the Friends, but Titania points out that they did rescue Oberon from the Shadow Demons in the Feywild. Philge asks if they are entitled to legal representation, and Titania supports them; the court agrees that they will summon a person of their choice to act as their lawyer. Freezo immediately requests Gribbits, who is abruptly teleported to the court from the Feywild where he was in the process of getting married to a fairy named Janice. He is rather displeased by this but pleasantly surprised to find that he has actually been called upon to provide legal representation, and to do so at the highly important Court of Primus.
Freezo attempts to argue that it is unreasonable to accuse people of a crime they cannot remember, because anyone could make anything up and say that the accused had forgotten it. The arbiter of the court, Hurken, responds that by the same logic anyone could erase their own memory of a crime they had committed and get away with it. After some logical contention about whether or not they would also need to erase their memory of erasing their memory, the arbiter instead points out that memory can be restored, and summons The Archivist, one of the planeswalkers who has the power to recover memories. He extracts a memory from Philge, apparently waking up for the first time on board the Heart of Glass to a recording of Johnny Playstation explaining that he has constructed the ship to save them from Freeside but that it is trapped in a "bubble" which he cannot break, and that they will need to escape from it in order to get home. While this intrigues the Friends it provides no evidence in support of their case. Philge asks if Hyperion Max's body has been found, and when told it has not, points out that they therefore do not know for certain that he is dead; but Freezo then adds "if they haven't found the body they don't know where buried him," and the Planeswalker council begin to vote for the death penalty.
Non-Player Characters (NPCs)
- The Saturnine
Themes, tropes and running jokes
- Baffling Reference for our International Listeners: Gribbits refers to having done pretty well in "Law TAFE", a reference to the Technical And Further Education Institute of New South Wales, a huge Australian vocational education provider (which does offer courses in law). "Dack" is also an Australian term for "pantsing" someone.
- "In this hippo-man-mermaid situation, where does the hippo finish?" "You have to seduce one to find out." "The neck, it's definitely the neck." "Mark it up; season 4 was when we finally got to hippo cum."
- "Does one face their crimes in a court, or is this a sort of foosball situation?"
- "Do you eat hippo food or man food? Because, like, me just wondering, you got a hippo mouth and teeth so like you probably want to eat hippo food but then you got the digestive system of a man."
- "There is nothing in this kangaroo court's pouch except a heaping helping of Justice."
- "Ok.. This looks to be some sort of trial.. what did you burn?" "We're being accused of killing someone called Hyperion Max." "Killing someone! Well colour me fuckin' shocked... Did you say Hyperion Max? FUCK! This is the Court of Primus, isn't it!?"
- "Alright. Move to silence the fucking nerd. We get it, library king. Even in a room with a bunch of people who've read lame books, you've clearly read the most and the lamest." "Bailiff, dack that man."
- "What method of death are we talking here?" "Oh, let me answer that. We spin a big wheel and then we... shoot you in the face. You get to look at the wheel!" "Your honour, let's talk plea bargain. Guys, for a guilty plea, let's make this real simple, shooting in the face without the wheel. What do we reckon?"
- ".. The floor decorated in intricate nonagonic patterns.." "What was that world?" "Nine-shaped. Looked it up." "Nonagonic." "Nine-SHAPED? Do you mean nine-sided?" "Because I would say nine-shaped is just the number nine." "... The floor is decorated in complex polygrams.."
- "There is so much exposition in this one. I just wonder at this point.. make some noise if this is your first Dragon Friends."