The House Eternal. How can the Dragon Friends escape a prison with no locks, with doorways that seem to fold back on themselves? One thing is for sure: if there is a way to escape it’s locked somewhere inside Freezo’s purloined memories – if only he’d stop trying to set fire to the library for long enough to work it out.
After some debate, Freezo decides to tell Ajax who he his, identifying himself as the person who previously escaped the House. Ajax is unsure about this, since there would be no reason for him to have come back, so Freezo tells Ajax some obscure facts about his penis. Ajax tells Freezo that he witnessed his prior escape, but his memory of such was removed by the Archivist, and that Freezo was "wearing a different face" when they previously met.
Freezo and Bobby begin to talk about how to attract the Archivist's attention, and Freezo decides that setting fire to the library would probably be quite effective. Bobby considers this and reasons that if Freezo worked out how to escape before, allowing him to act as he wishes is likely to result in him doing the same things and thus working this out again. Ajax responds that Freezo spent a lot of time studying the books previously; Freezo suggests searching for his own fingerprints on the books to work out what he may have read, and does manage to find his prints on a few books, but realizes that searching the entire library would take months. Ajax suggests that Freezo should try to recover Ajax's memories from the Archivist, but Freezo continues searching the library, spending 6 days walking down the shelves to reach the smallest book in the library, believing correctly that this would be a matchbook with which he could set fire to the books - but it only contains one match which Freezo, exhausted from the walk, drops on the floor.
Bobby tries to set fire to one of the books by using his spyglass to focus the light from one of the Drift Globes in the library, which does not work, but does cause the Archivist to come out of his study to ask what is going on. After some discussion, Freezo asks the Archivist about the person who previously escaped, and the Archivist confirms that he did remove Ajax's memory of that so that he could study it. Freezo asks if he could act as a "white hat hacker" who could help find out what had happened, and Bobby tries to offer the Archivist his magical monocle in exchange for his help, but while trying it out, the Archivist looks through it at Freezo and sees his "weird dong" which identifies who he is. Instantly angry, the Archivist yanks the three Friends into his study and demands that Freezo tell him how he escaped, showing him Ajax's stolen memory.
The stolen memory shows Freezo, carrying a huge pile of books, walking up to the vaulted entrance door, casting some form of spell and then killing himself with a silver dagger - but then appearing outside the barred gates. Freezo asks about the dagger, and the Archivist replies that he has analyzed the dagger and found that it is mundane. The Archivist offers to support Freezo to the Planeswalker Council if he explains how he escaped. Freezo suggests inspecting the door, and the Archivist leads them there. In an attempt to reproduce what previously happened, Freezo kills himself with the dagger.
Freezo finds himself in an ethereal form looking down upon his own body, with reality glitching around him. In that form, he finds he is able to pass straight through the vaulted door, leaving the House Eternal before reality snaps back and he appears whole and alive again. Enthusiastically, Bobby also stabs himself in the heart with the dagger, and dies.
Non-Player Characters (NPCs)
- Ajax the Titan
- The House Eternal
Themes, tropes and running jokes
- "What is the system they use to organize these books, Ajax?" "Oh yea, it's.. biggest to smallest." "And now you notice that every book along the walls is slightly larger, heading one direction." "It just looks like they're all the same size, though, because of the perspective.."
- "Let's light the match, burn the books, and go through the door." "Yea, better not check through the door first, that would be stupid."
- "I actually don't have a tinderbox. It says here I have a motorcycle.."
- "Well, ok.. if I can search for my fingerprints.. so, can I do an Arcana check?" "Is that Arca.. ok, Hing, when you watch a crime procedural do you think that's magic?"
- "Now, the line you've written here.. can I do an alt reading on it? Because what you've written is 'Goodbye Ajax, I can't stay, there's too much work to be done.', but I think what Freezo would actually say is 'FUCK YOU! GOODBYE!'"
- "If you get through, we're going to kill ourselves really quickly too, but you have to go first." "What a way for this fuckin' show to end. Just three fuckin' idiots killing themselves."
- "FUUUUUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" - Hing's reaction to Bobby Pancakes' death
- Walk these worlds no more for peace is found here turns out to be an anagram of Erroneous death; needless whimper of Warlock.